Oh, You're Dad Didn't Tell You?

Where did we learn about sex?

Is it from that old video our 60-year old teacher showed us on our sexual education subject? Or is it when the same 60 year old teacher had a demo on how to properly put a condom on using a banana. Probably it has contributed some, but usually we all got our keen knowledge about sex from our dads, or their dads, or someone else's dad. But the problem is, they are all general, and trust me, there are a lot of thing your father didn't tell you about sex.

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, particularly for a dad with his teenage son. A sex ed talk from your father usually consists of the following:

* Wear a condom.
* Treat the girl with respect.
* Don’t rush her.
* Save yourself for the right girl.

Of course, none of this prepares us for the harsh reality of a proper sexual encounter. Our fathers have failed us in our pursuit for sexual enlightenment.

With this in mind, I present to you The 9 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Sex (But Really Should Have). Should have been 10, but I bet he insisted saying he taught you number 1.


1. its not like a porno movie
It never is. You may think that watching your favorite pornstar jumping and pumping makes you capable of doing it too. It's not as easy as you see on video, like a doctor talking to a nurse, then the next thing you know, they're having wild sex in the patients bed. You might be hoping for a very hot girl wit a very sexy body when you think of sex, but then you'll loose your virginity over a nerdy type girl, who doesn't even know which side of the bra is supposed to be used. Sex is nothing like it appears in porn. (unless you happen to be dating a porn star)

2. pacing yourself
If you thought that going at it hammer-and-tongs for long periods of time was the norm, like porn stars do, think again. Those porn stars could last forever but when you had it, it lasted a mere 2 minutes before you rolled over and fell asleep. If you’ve never heard the story of the tortoise and the hare, I’m sure it related to sex. Women want a stallion who can last the distance and although sometimes a quickie can be just as fun, nobody wants it to be over before it’s even begun.

3. headaches are not an excuse
New evidence has come to light though which says that the female orgasm releases endorphins (a natural painkiller). This means that sex is a headache cure. educate her, and you might find a reason to have sex at night.

4. 3some are not as common as yout think
If you live in the world of FHM, then having three in a bed is like having coffee in a park. But in reality, its far from common. Some even died without having to try it. And some, lost a couple of girlfriends through requests for their big-butt-boobs friend to join for a session. I have translated the term “Ménage á trois”, and as it turns out, it's actually a French phrase saying “In your dreams”. Now that makes sense.

5. impotence is ground for divorce
As sad as it may sound, some poeple just can't take it. Saying "It's ok, we still have eachother" is really that bad for others, so better train those swimmers (if you know what I mean).

6. most women need clitoral stimulation to reach porgasm
"What? My dad never told me that". Yes, you can say that cause they never do. Thinking about it from a female perspective though, it makes sense. In, out. In, out. In, out. Yeah, I can see how it might get a bit boring after a while. The key is to master the clit using your fingers, tongue and any other body part you think can do the job.

7. You're penis can explode
I’ve watched an entire TV documentary on sex disasters and things that go wrong during sex and it has changed the way I look at sex forever. I remember one in particular involving a Romanian man and his sexy 18 year-old girlfriend. If you’ve ever had an erection so hard you felt like it could burst, imagine how this guy felt. His erection was so hard, firm and manly that the blood cavities in the penis actually burst. Can I get an overwhelming “Ouch!” from the guys reading this? And it’s not just your penis exploding you need to worry about. There’s something a lot more common that nobody told me about until it happened to me. The dreaded ‘banjo string’. If you don’t know what the banjo string is, it’s the piece of skin between the penis and the foreskin and is officially known as the frenulum. If you’ve been circumcised congratulations, you probably haven’t even got a banjo string. If you haven’t, there is a good chance that rough sex can ’snap’ this little bit of skin and it bloody hurts. And bleeds. A lot.

8. Only 1 in 400 men can give themselves oral sex
While it’s not surprising that only 1 man out of every 400 has the size and/or flexibility to perform fellatio on themselves, what is really embarrassing is that most of, if not all of, the 400 men have tried to give themselves oral. Sad but true, and I mean in it a way knowing that out of 400, there is still this lonely person that exists in the world.

9. Men have a G-spot too
Men actually have a spot which, when stimulated, can induce pleasure in much the same way as the female G-spot. The irony of this is that to pleasure ourselves in this way we have to explore areas of our body that most straight men would prefer not to explore. For some reason, our prostate is the source of this pleasure and it happens to be buried deep in our dirtbox. If you want to explore the joy of rubbing this sacred spot, you need to insert one (or two if you’re feeling brave) fingers directly into your anus. I experienced this completely by accident one evening when an ex-girlfriend decided to surprise me with an impromptu anal probing. Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing as a result. If you’re brave enough to try it, lube up. Trust me, it won’t be anywhere near as enjoyable going in dry.

These are things you'll learn in the outside world, and these are the things that are in reality. But as long as there are dads to tell us what sex is, we all have to settle learning it first with these two tips :

1. Shag as many women as you can while you’re still young.
2. Don’t get her pregnant or bring home any infections.


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